It's great you have such an understanding boss, she cares enough that when you say you need to be seen for a check up there's no more questions, just a, I hope everything is OK. You answer before she's even finished her sentence, it's from an abundance of caution.
That said this time you ask the response isn't the same, there's a little more concern in her voice but nothing you can't handle. There's plenty to be done at home too, those jobs that only you can do and do right. Then there's the family to keep on top of and those important out of the house tasks you always take on. Nothing new in that. You notice it's harder to get going in the morning but you push on.
That's what you always do.
There's a concession or two picked up along the way, something you don't want and don't need, just the same you take it because it's easier to say yes when you're asked about it at home.
But you're still the same person you've always been, you get things done, you take care of others.
That's what you do.
There's always time for someone else and you're known for good advice so there's no shortage of people wanting your counsel. No shortage of sound advice particularly about what someone else deserves because they always deserve better.
You listen, you talk, you head home a little more burdened but that's ok.
It's always been a thing you do.
Looking after another comes naturally except you wonder every now and again how that started. Asked or told it isn't clear and with that it goes to one side.
Because you don't need to know.
Your days seem a little longer and the night's sleep is definitely shorter.
It's not just that you wake up before the alarm, it's a good 30 sometimes 45 minutes before it and there's no getting you back to sleep. There's so much to do and so little time to get it done.
Might as well get up and use that extra time.
You get done at home and begin the dash to work, the interactions bring you some pleasure but truth be told by the time you get home a nap would be great.
You've never needed one before.
The tiredness will lift like it always does. There's something new here and people around you are surprised by how you're reacting when they ask you for help. Some are hearing no from you. Some notice it's taking you longer than before, some don't have the heart to say they gave up waiting for a response.
"I'm allowed to push back aren't I."
Except that this isn't your style, nor come to think of it is the increasing lack of energy. Some days feel like an entire lifetime shot in slow motion. There might just be something wrong. It's probably nothing.
Except there is, even though you realise you're minimising with your GP, you heard take the time out and rest. No choice here it's on paper but "I won't need all that time."
You call work, apologising for not being in for the next few weeks.
Why? Because that's not you?
What isn't you is sleeping through the alarm and a snooze or two. Getting up and slowly starting your day was OK. You're not sure when but sometime quite early in the morning you fell asleep in a chair.
When you wake the first thing you notice is a voice saying that felt good, you needed the rest, you needed the sleep. Then the familiar, but there's still so much to do.
It's not that you don't try, because that's you.
You begin again and slowly get things done, ticking them off that long mental list, then you grab the laptop and log on, just to check for a few minutes.
Except you wake much later and the laptop is gone. There's the quiet sounds of your family in the background so you walk in that direction. No one wanted to wake you but there's a clear message about finding the laptop open and you not working, it's not on.
You push back but right now their reaction is different, they don't let you have your own way. It's a new experience, maybe you deserve a little of this?
Your days and nights find a different pattern, it's difficult to pin down but a friend said something about noticing you doing less and being still.
That doesn't sound like you.
As it lands, you brace for that imperative to get up and get something done but it simply doesn't arrive, not with its usual force. There's a thought with a feeling that lingers and you feel ever so slightly justified in staying where you are.
Days later you're back at the GP's.
Not because you need to but because they said so. You describe what you've done since that last conversation and there's surprisingly little to tell, which sounds wrong coming from you.
You stop for a second or two and think, this is different and for a moment there's a lift of that weight you've pushed against for years. It shows in your body, it shows on your face. You thought you caught it but the GP saw it too.
That looked important?
You pause before answering thinking about that lack of weight in those last few moments and decide it's OK to say "Yes it felt different, maybe it's something new?"