You put the phone down and let out a little sigh. The GP call to confirm your test results and as she said, it's good news, all the tests came back negative.
Good news for whom?
Because now there's so much to think about and it's all a bit of a rush too, mum, loved ones, family friends will all want to know what's happened and that's a lot of interaction.
But there's more here, how can so many tests have so many points of failure, error, all dangerous, seriously dangerous because at your age, that thing they tested for is a big risk.
It's not that you don't want to believe you're well, it's that who is going to stand guard, keep you safe? Who do you trust to be vigilant?
That one voice that defies all others, strips away the layers to show you, just how dangerous this all is. With you for so long you struggle to remember when it first sounded out a warning.
Thank goodness you have it.
You share the news, of course everyone is happy there is nothing wrong, no need to worry, panic, start thinking about treatments or a prognosis.
No need to worry but you do.
Because those tests coming back negative doesn't mean there isn't something else waiting to take its place. That's the part of you they don't get, they struggle to see. Sometimes it feels like a flat refusal to understand, no matter their well-meaning intention.
Thank goodness for that voice.
It can make social gatherings difficult but a lively discussion is a healthy part of life and well, the love between you all heals wounds, even if it is exhausting. So you pick your gatherings and sometimes just head home early if it gets too much.
You rest and think this is exhausting, but safe.
The watch must go on despite the evidence, care and concern because that's what it's always done. There's so much to guard against and so little time to catch it.
There's something else too, not new, it's been heard before. Dealt with because it just isn't right. You heard what if, what if there's another way?
That was quite the fight.
The watcher did its work, you're OK. Except the wash of it lasted days, the lack of sleep, the effort needed to do simple meetings at work before getting home and trying to relax, which just isn't there.
This is different.
It feels like another level of alert, someone raised the threat status and with that all hope of rest has gone. Who or what is all this extra effort for, of course it's for you but what's driving the new level?
What if.
It's still around, surviving the attack with nothing more than staying here and asking that simple thought. Which might mean there are thoughts and words to add after it. Right now that's too much of a head spin but it doesn't take that long to settle.
What's next?
This life isn't what you planned all those years ago and worked hard bringing to being. It isn't just that there is an argument going on because there isn't, not this time.
There's no stack of evidence for the watcher to repel.
You realise that while it isn't defeated, that question hasn't won. Spending your time exhausted by a fight isn't sustainable.
"What if there's another way to live this life, how would I get that done?" If this was two countries at war there would be a process, an intermediary to turn to but it's you.
Where do you find a neutral hearing for all of the parts of you that are concerned, who brokers the peace?