You're good at this, that's not just you but you hear it quietly from people around. It's a nice feeling but the only way to be good is to keep going, keep demonstrating, keep being seen by your team and keep turning up.
That's how it's done.
You learnt a long time ago that maybe some, most of the time, you have to push through. The managerial equivalent of flying through the sound barrier, lots of turbulence and bang, then clear air.
So off you go.
Except it isn't always that linear, that straightforward, just fly through it and even when it might be there is still a price to pay. It's measured in emotion, in physical effort, in lost sleep and a lack of headspace.
Job's a good'un.
At times it's a lot to hold, your weekends are great for recovery but what happened to doing something that you love, on your time. It's a hangover that lasts for days without the night before.
Your one to ones are once a month and you prep well because they're great for showing what's working and fixing what's not but aside from the how are you and the I'm fine exchange, there isn't much time for meaningful conversation.
You read about working out. Take a swim, go for a run, do yoga, or visit the gym, there's energy out but not the release you thought you would feel, no hoped for burst of energy in.
Maybe two weeks on a Costa will do the trick but when you look at the diary it's three months before you see a gap. You find somewhere quiet and book it anyway.
It's only 13 weeks, the time will fly.
Except it doesn't, the hours start to drag, the days feel so long. Then you notice that colleagues are finding nice, polite ways to ask what's wrong?
There's form and status to remember here, you can't honestly say I'm not good thanks, I need some help. Not because they couldn't cope but it feels like you're the one who needs to be together, you're the one who leads, after all when they're not good who do they come to? The manager they thank for listening and helping.
But it's harder to hear and harder to help right now too.
There isn't space elsewhere, with your boss, with HR, with L and D, to say what do I do? The GP visit and a sick note sounds appealing but it comes with a diagnosis and that might just feel like more harm than good.
If all the gaps are full and waiting for one to open won't do, how do I find my time, the space, and all the while keep wearing this manager face?
Perhaps, if I can't break out, someone will need to help me find a way in.
For the first time in a while, that feeling appears. I'm good at this, even when the puzzle is me.