On a waiting list, wondering whether to wait or do something about it?

There's a tension here, you feel it coming up as you try to square a circle you did not draw.

The wait that you thought you could manage is getting hard to just sit with. When you called back to check how much longer, you didn't get anything close to your next on the list.

So wait until you're called or try to do something about it?

You look, there are papers that say some people recover just from being on a list, others don't. What about you, you had step one and two, it helped just not as much as you both hoped, so now you wait for more and weeks have become months.

It's harder to wait than you thought.

The tools you've been taught are great but the issues are still the same, sometimes they feel stronger than before you first went to your GP to talk.

If I leave this much longer, will it get worse?

It could, those papers say something about that it's a much smaller figure than those that recover on a list but it's still a figure. I'm not a number, I'm a person waiting for my turn.

You know a few people who went private for an operation, so there's a route to look at too but it looks expensive and of course it's coming straight out of your pocket. It looks easy to start but how does it end, because that's time and money too. I could end up in a place that keeps me coming back for more.

But I don't want to wait, wonder if I'll get worse.

You call them again and you're still not next. But this time you ask and are told it could be up to another three months. That's not great but you've got something to work with a decision that you can make.

It won't hurt to send emails to a few therapists you find on directory, you pick some that read well and they all reply. They say the same thing, it's poor that you're waiting, they can't promise how long your therapy will take and they tell you what they charge.

An appointment gets booked with the one whose reply sounds right for you. The session arrives and you talk about the thing that keeps you on the list, the worry it will get worse than it should and your 12 weeks away from being seen.

It's a bit of a relief to say it out loud.

Then, as something of a surprise you think you hear, we will need to end our work together in around 10 weeks' time, that gives you enough of a chance to get ready for your other therapist. I can't continue to work with you once you see someone else, it's not fair on you, there's an ethical code around this, it's a professional decision. It's a conversation I have with everyone in this position, it's not personal.

You need a moment, just to check what you heard.

They did say there's a stop in this, it finishes and they won't go any further. It's not the image you had of private therapy and that means you can relax a little. Now your focus can move to whether you think the person opposite is the right therapist for you, for right now.

There is an end and it's in sight before you begin.