The role is into its third year, which means you're not a "lifer" like some of the team. That said you can't get away with claiming "new egg" status either.
The first year was great, you hit target and everyone was pleased, not least you, the commission and bonus was pretty tidy. Of course politics demands you play it down and say you're sure the expectation and target will be much harder.
It was but wasn't, if you're honest.
There was plenty of room to spare, even with the drama from the management late in December to bring forward January orders. You managed it and still had enough up your sleeve to start the year off well.
January looked set but
The target took until February to set, which is OK, what you didn't expect was the change in commission structure. Times are tough and we think this is more than fair.
You heard, more work, less money.
But you started well, you knew you would. Since then you've been running hard to stand still and it's beginning to show. Back office colleagues brush off your warnings with didn't you say that last year?
You did but now you mean it.
Then there's the other sort of attention, not one you're used to in this job, from the boss, who isn't the calmest of people at this time of year but now it feels like he's got teeth you hadn't noticed.
You talk about it with your friends in the team.
They sympathise and give you their concerned looks. One even shows some empathy but you realise that comes from their memory of their experience this time last year. In your good time, you missed most of their bad one but that's just how the job is.
You try not to take it home even though it's a little harder to switch off in the evening and Sunday is a long night before sleep takes you away. You're keeping it at bay, it's too important to let your edges show and become frayed.
Except the space to process and handle disappointing, no, actually, bad news, isn't as big as it was. That order that would have finished the year well, isn't coming now, maybe not even at all.
It's hard to cover the feeling as you change the projection and status, rehearsing the discussion with your boss, reasoned and clear.
That's not how it went.
The cross-examination was far tougher than you thought and too public as well so everyone knows. What really stings isn't how you have been treated, it's more the why don't you have a contingency to cover this line that you keep hearing long after the meeting ended.
That's the nature of the game, except now you're chasing it and that was never a good look, for you.
You don't wear it well. It is coming home every evening. When you socialise with old friends it's there too. You know there's concern but there's also a little of oh no not his work worry again.
Which doesn't help because if you can't talk to your boss, your colleagues and even your old mates at this time of year, what are you going to do? Carry on trying and hoping for the best or disappear in a spiral of defeat and despair.
Why isn't there another choice, another way to get to the end of the cycle, to start again but with a clean slate. Not because it's the new financial year but because you realise it's time to make a change.
After this year of realising looking in isn't working, perhaps it's time to look out and at someone outside, to work out what you need.
You could always do with another order, except with this one it's worth taking time to check. Is this the one you really need? It feels good to hear your answer, take the time you need.